Monday, December 6, 2010

Our Decorating Day

This weekend we FINALLY finished decorating the tree and the house. Every day we put it off because it was late and then  we dedicated a day for Christmas! We decorated the tree, the windows, the counter (separated the kitchen from the living room), and then we made homemade Chocolate Chip Cookies! It was a great day!

How are you preparing for the holiday?

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Holiday Season

As this Holiday season is underway, it brings to surface many of things! But this year, this Christmas, I get to start new! Back at home in Williamsburg with my boys and loving my new diggs! Not mention the great friends and family that surround me. I have been in a whirlwind of emotions for the past 3 months, sorting out what is real and what is not. Figuring out where I am in the process and protecting my heart from deceit and betrayal.

I was doing a poor job on that  last one! But then it happened....the moment that everyone said would! The moment when ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! The moment when I no longer long for my past and look ahead yet to the wonderful future I can and will have.

So, this Christmas, I open my heart to new things! Tonight, our tree will make its debut! We will celebrate new beginnings, with a new tradition! And GOD, I can't wait.

This holiday season, I will prevail victorious in my quest for Peace of Mind!

Monday, August 16, 2010 sucks!

Ugh, today I woke up and my throat was on FIRE!! I think the stress of all the things going on at once is finally catching up to me. I now have less than a week to finish up on my latest project and I don't know how I am going to do it!

Right now, sitting on my laptop and trying to find words is a challenge. My head is clouded by a cold and my mind is emotionally clouded by stress. I am getting things done but today, today, sucks! lol!

Laundry is in the wash, dishes need to get cleaned, garbage needs to go out, phone calls need to be made and here I am sitting in my bed...and I just can't bring myself to move.

Hopefully, dinner will be here soon and it will help me energize for another night of endless tasks....

Monday, August 2, 2010

The Wonder of Believing in True Love

This weekend was monumental! I got to revisit love and began to believe once again that true love does exist. For a while now, I lost faith and hope that real love was fictional and fantasy that we create as little girls wanting a fairytale. I was asked to bear witness, along with close friends and family, to the beginning of two very important friends' fairytale ending. Happily ever after does exist and they are proof. Its amazing how time and space was something that never phased what was truly real for them...their love! 15 years later, rekindling love lost and realizing that even as children we can find that "one" can exist. They embody all that I want in my life and in love. 

To Jonie and Willie....God has blessed you with one another and now a true symbol of your committment and love for one another in a child! I cried last night in being  honored in sharing these precious moments with you all. With our CK family and all those monumental people who have molded you, it was truly amazing!

Thank you for offering me the opportunity to believe again! YAIN (You're All I Need)...I will take that in my heart with me on my quest for true happiness. 

Besos and congrats again! I can't wait to be a witness at your wedding and to be a Titi to my precious new nephew or niece. Your lives are going to be blessed a million times fold!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Music...what song is your new fave?


Just wanted to share! Leave me one of your new faves!

My world today....Exhausting! Changing!

OMG...I can't wait for this part to be over already! I have been at this house all day and feel like I haven't even put a dent in it! I am so exhausted but I know I have to push through it! I have a goal and I will do it!

I thought I'd have trouble choosing what stays and what goes but I can happily say...I want it all gone, except the bare necessities!

Ever feel like you need to start again with everything new? Like though you are tired and overally exhausted, you push yourself because you know something great will come of it! Well, that's me today. I've been at this house for 10 hours! WOW! Crazy me! But it will be done with time to spare and on the big day...I will feel relaxed and ready..rather than overwhelmed and crazed!

I finally believe that change is good! And its my turn...

Monday, July 26, 2010

DVR Madness

I have a collection of shows that I DVR and watch when my kids are asleep. Last night, I sat to watch two of my fave Sunday shows, one being, "Drop Dead Diva" and "My Fair Weddings by David Tutera".

Drop Dead Diva

My Fair Weddings by David Tutera

Both these shows last night, hit an emotional cord in me.

But My Fair Weddings....OMG>>>>Balling!!! This bride was so super appreciative of what David was doing for her and how he incorporated the memory of her father into the wedding...priceless! I was up crying like a baby. I love David Tutera and if I did the marriage thing again, I'd be knocking on his door! He is just simply amazing and not to mention...a hot gay guy!! LOVE HIM!!!

Do you watch shows like this? I mean I have some for just about each day of the week, depending on the time of year!
Here's a List:
  1. Monday - The Secret Life of an American Teenager
  2. Monday - One Tree Hill
  3. Monday - Gossip Girl
  4. Monday - Life Unexpected
  5. Tuesday - Make it or Break It
  6. Tuesday - Pretty Little Liars
  7. Tuesday - 90210
  8. Tuesday - Glee
  9. Wednesday - Hell's Kitchen
  10. Wednesday - Top Chef
  11. Wednesday - America's Next Top Model
  12. Thursday - Grey's Anatomy
  13. Thursday - Private Practice
  14. Thursday - Vampire Diaries
  15. Thursday - Project Runway
  16. Friday - I don't watch tv on Friday Nights LOL
  17. Saturday - Same here, no actual TV shows
  18. Sunday - Drop Dead Diva
  19. Sunday - My Fair Weddings by David Tutera
And on constant DVR, episodes of Law & Order SVU.

What's on your DVR? Do you have shows you must watch?

Friday, July 23, 2010

Letter to God

Dear God,
Though I know at times it seems like I've cursed you and shunned you, for those times I ask your forgiveness. What I didn't understand then was how much bigger plans you had in store for me! I just wanted to say Thank you! Thank you for allowing me to get through it all and come out happier! Thank you for my children, they continue to be my inspiration and life line. Thank you for the love you have allowed to grace my life, even in heartache, I understand your purpose. 

I know I ask alot of you and though you cannot answer all my prayers, thank you for the ones you have answered. I am more than appreciative! 

It has taken me a lifetime to figure out your purpose in my life's journey and I am excited to see what is yet to come. I have found a place to leave my sorrows in and move on to a new beginning. Though I know there will be times that yet again I question your intentions, know that I am still growing and learning. That I will still make mistakes but that I know am more aware of my goals. I am more focused! 

Thank you!


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Life's Journey and Poof...You were there!

In my quest to get past my broken marriage, I took a chance on love a couple years ago. I can say that with all that I had been through and family believing that my depression was so bad they feared what I would do...I found happiness in myself and someone new. I gambled with my heart and though for reasons I'd rather not go into, we only remain friends. I can recall one night, chatting online with this guy, talking about his new love interest back then and talking about what went wrong with us. He decided to share some music he loves with me...oh and did I cry my eyes out!

One by one, tears after tears, the reality set in. I started to think about what the music really meant.

This song, so beautiful, yet so final! Can you imagine someone whom you cared about but are not with sharing this song with you? How would you react? I can tell you all I heard was...GOODBYE...and for that instance, I read between the lines and realized...he and I would never be. And though I  knew that to be true, you always hold on to a little hope. Hope that life's circumstances would change, that maybe just maybe, I could have been stronger at the time and chose for myself what was best. Don't get me wrong, my (ex) husband will always be the love of my life and if we could work past our problems, I would try. But this guy, he was there, kinda holding on to me, but at a distance.

He also introduced me to another song that night. And that song was not for him to me, but I think it was meant for me to give to him.

Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen differently. This song is just about that! You can't take back the past and what you did but you can ask for forgiveness. And though the outcome may only be friendship, for me its better than not having him at all. I think part of me will always love him. But I think most people hold a little piece if love for people who impacted them. He was the one who was there when I was at rock bottom and made me feel special, beautiful, today, He should know, I am sorry!

But for what its worth,
I have learned alot from him. And this medley is like my Journey...


So, my life's journey has been hard but worth the ride...Thank you to those people in my life, you know who you are, you keep me from keep me Believing!

Writer's Workshop: Wedding Song

I Cross My Heart

In 1994, I embarked on a journey that would bring me to where I am today and I took that journey with the man I was going to marry and have children with. Sometime during our relationship, he had me sit down with him and watch a portion of a movie...he wanted me to hear this great song! Little did I know what was going to heard was the song that almost ten years later would be our wedding song. When discussing what we wanted as our song, we struggled a little bit because that same year another song touched us. That song was:

Flying Without Wings

So, instead of deciding between the two...we decided we'd have two special wedding songs.

Though our marriage is broken, these songs will forever embody who we were and how in love we really were. To this day, even with all the hurt and pain, the emotion and memories of great times and much love floods my heart and mind! Making even the worst, feel a little better.

I can only hope that most people can feel the same way about their wedding song(s), even through separation and/or divorce. because remember at that one moment in your life, that song was all about your love.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Smiling the Day Away!

So many changes are upon me...and I need to smile about them because anything less than happy is not for me! i have spent so much time contemplating what happiness is for me. Is it my kids? Is it my heart? Is it a place? Is it a thing? What oh what is my happiness? And the answer is simple....Happiness is what i make of it! Happiness is smiling the day away no matter the drama! Kill 'em with kindness is the saying and for once I am taking that advice.
In the past week, I have encountered many a different scenarios and feelings! Not too mention MIGRAINES from my stress! And medication can only go so far as to take the physical pain away. Talking to some good friends have helped me in making decisions. Though I haven't taken them all on full steam ahead, the reality of those choices is making head way.
  • I decided to reapply to the one job that made me happy and provided more than enough for my family! Now, I just have to hope they call! I'm praying they call! It would make certain things sooooo much easier! 
  • My five year old is getting ready to start Kindergarten and I need to prepare him for that and myself for that! Its amazing how time flys.
  • Fresh starts! New Beginnings! That's what my smile is going to be about! No more waiting for things to happen. I'm taking the bull by the horns and kicking some serious drama butt! lol!
My life is my own! Only I can make change! I will smile brightly and in the face of all adversity! And I will prevail victorious! This SuperMom will make it!


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Clean Sweep!

I am on a mission this week! I am doing just like the show on TLC....Keeping what I need, Trashing what is no good, and selling what I don't need! But finding the motivation to get it done, well, that's a whole other ball game! Every night, after the boys go to bed, I struggle deciding if I want to spend countless, sleepless hours sorting through all the garbage.

This more procrastinating! I am going to do it! Out with the old! This week, my son (12) and I are going to take a day to go through his and his brothers things. This should be easy, they have a closet full of things they haven't even looked at since we moved here over two years ago! Then on to the clothes, which I did a couple months ago but some how their draws are full of clothes  they don't wear and their floor and hamper is consumed by the ones they do wear...go figure!

Then, its the storage room. A room that harbors all the stuff I used for my business endeavors, where my main computer resides, and things that I just plain really need to get rid of! I have two other closets after that...and those are just going to be emptied out and most things tossed. I mean how many jackets does one really need!

Who knows what room I will hit after that but somewhere in the process...YARD SALE!!! Hey, the saying is, "One man's garbage, is another man's treasure" and so I will sell, sell, sell!

Look out for the sale post!

Challenges of A Single Mom

  1. Juggling my kids social lives. They have more events and friends than I do.
  2. Having a personal that? lol
  3. Cleaning the house, when in 30 seconds flat its destroyed!
  4. Cooking at a reasonable time.
  5. Finding a way to make ends meet....there never seems to be enough for everything!
  6. Keeping my cool when all I want to do is scream!
  7. Getting all the kids to bed without the song and dance acts they decide to perform.
  8. Taking a shower! Enough said!
  9. Socializing with someone other than a 1 yr old...anyone need a grown up friend?
  10. Loving yourself enough to know, if you're not happy, neither will your kids be!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Then....Computers, Information, Disaster....Now...Empowerment!

For so long I have used my computer skills to gain information when needed, not only for myself but for my friends. When do you feel the need to search and look for what we already know to be true? When I found out about my husbands discretions, I went to work! I needed to know everything! I knew that he would lie because he had been doing it for so long it became second nature and I wasn't going to let him back in my house without knowing everything. So, I searched and I found. I made sure that I would never be in the dark again. I would never put my blinders on again and give him the trust that he so didn't deserve. But when we look, we find things that we never meant to find or wanted to know. I know in my case I would find pictures and stories about things he was doing with the other woman. And all it would do was infuriate me more and make me want to find ways to punish him for them. ANd what better way to do that but than to make it known that I knew and waited for him to lie again, causing him to be aggrivated and huff and puff. I mean why should I be the only one pissed and hurt, right? Wrong! It was a poor decision on my part because I was hurting myself more when I hurt him. Because despite everything he had done, I had still loved him and wanted to make things work. Then there was the whole sharing thing, I didn't want to share "my man" and that's what I was doing. I would have nightmares about him being with me and then being with her and then coming back to my bed at night! It was getting out of hand in my mind! I needed to seek help to let go. It took my two years to realize that I couldn't get passed it all on my own. Family and friends couldn't help me because they were to emotionally invested. I was in therapy for months but the reality was I wasn't ready and so whatever I was being told was going in one ear and out the other. For years, I needed the security of information. But was it really security? How secure can it have been when I was looking for the next wrong move he made or the next vindictive move she'd make. I was a glutton for punishment. And yet when the opportunity arose to be with him, I took it. I rationalized it with, if I do it with him its ok, he is still my husband and I don't have to look for it from someone else. I took sex or making love, very seriously. I still do. That intimate moment is something I don't want to share with just anyone. The vulnerability to be seen naked and not judged, the intimacy, the allowing your inhibitions to be let go...those things take great strength to look past. And though the flaws of my body are major to me, they seem to be miniscule to the eye of a man. Yet, I still find myself holding out for that special someone. In a way, its a great feeling because it reinstates that I still have morals and values. That I can look at my kids and feel like I am doing this the right way. I don't want my children to grow up and live this life or cause this life for the women they love! I continue to remind them that marriage is saced and that they should cherish the women in their lives. They have witnessed my pain firsthand, though I try to cry in private, my kids know my pain. I sit with them and talk about love and being good men. If they fail at everything else in life, they will alwas be successful when they remember who they arer and what their mother taught them about family. They will succeed in their marriages and families. They will be the men that your daughters will fall in love with, marry and have families with. I promise to teach them, right from wrong. I promise to instill morals and values. This is a promise to my future daughters in law!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Who's to blame: Mom, the Ex, or The Man Himself?

I have been doing alot of researching on different social networking sites and have come across some very interesting topics that definitely hit close to home! One that I read recently was about who is responsible for teaching the man in your life? Is it his  mother, his first wife, the next woman or should he be responsible for himself? I mean granted, as a mom, I do try to teach my children (all boys) about how to treat a woman and what never to be like. And as much as I try to teach them about cleaning up after themselves and helping out around the house...I come across the same problem...they are just not interested. Don't get me wrong there are some boys who loves to clean, cook, and do all the things that we as woman are expected to do. But that is not the majority. So, the question still remains...who is at fault? Should the mother be blamed? Did she do something wrong and cause the boy to grow up not having the necessary "house training"?

Giving and Taking

When is giving too much? Do you ever find yourself giving to people and feeling used because there is never a reciprocation? Do you find that people call you when in need, but when you are the one in need everyone's busy or will call you later? Or how bout the person in your life that calls you, texts you and comes to see you because they need something but once it's done, they are no where to be found or pick fights with you for no damn reason! I'm sure, if you are like me, you answered yes to a least one if not all!

In my life I feel like this everyday! Being a mom of three boys is hard enough and then you throw in money, food, extracurricular activities, looking for a better job, finding a suitable caretaker, dealing with "other" situations, and maintaining a HOUSE!! With all that, I still get the, Chris, can you...? Chris, I need... Chris, help me...Mom, I need .... Mom, can I..? Mom, Chris....always always always...never a break! It gets very overwhelming. And it projects onto others and then I end up feeling crappy! Meanwhile, if some of these people who habitually ask for my help, would just help me a little! Yesterday, I had an appointment in the morning, dropped off the boys so I could go. After that one, came home, cleaned the boys room and the kitchen, then showered and headed to my doctor's appointment. After that, picked up my son from school, picked up boys from my grandmothers and headed home to make dinner before needing to head back out to take my son to his basketball practice! Annnnndddddd, I still had to bathe them and put them to bed....all this alone! Thankfully, I called upon a real friend to see if she could bring my son home from practice so I could go home and take care of the other two and prepare them for bed. If that had not happened, it would have been 930 at night when I got home to bathe and settle them all done for the night. That's not even including, what I have left to do after they go to bed! Ok, so, I'm venting  and going off my!

So, I 've been feeling used and abused by the people who are supposed to be there for me and love me. I have spent the last week, feeling so down and out and yet it can all be changed by a gesture of help. Yet, that gesture seems to come a little too late most times. I don't know, I know being a single mom is hard work and I know maintaining my sanity is even harder, but would it hurt for someone to get off their high horse and "man" up. I just get soooo tired and sometimes just need a break, even if its just for an hour! Ugh...damnit! Oh well, gotta get back to my reality! Cleaning this house and doing the laundry... a mom's work is never done!

Friends with the "ex"...are you?

Ok so here is my question of the day: Friends with the "ex", do you lie about it or are you open with your current s/o? 

So, I have been feeling like who decides who your friends with? Like, if you and your ex are still friends, do you tell you new s/o? What if they are insecure about you? Do you "protect" them by making them think you are not friends or even amicable? What if you and the ex have kids together? Does the new s/o, on both ends, get a say in your "relationship status" with the ex when you guys have kids together? Is there a line that is drawn?

I think most people are uncomfortable with their s/o being friends with their exes. I know that I have had this issue but more along the lines of, this is the woman who you cheated with, she can't be a friend. But does the "new" s/o get to say the same, if they cheated on you with their ex? What if there are kids involved? How do you trust the situation? Do you forbid him/her from being friends with them, though you know they have kids together? Or does he/she make you feel comfortable and tells you, "we don't even talk. all we do is fight. If it wasn't for the kids, we'd never talk"? 

I find that for myself, I have become a woman confident yet insecure...though that sounds weird and contradictive its my reality. With everyone else, I am this strong, beautiful, independent woman and mother...with him, I breakdown and find myself feeling miniscule because of history. I find myself questioning where I have no place questioning. Its stupid, I tell ya! I am so not that person!

So, when I think about my exes and what roles they play in my life, I think in many different tangents. There are some I let go, there are some whom I remain friends with...its my choice! Not a new s/o, not an old s/o, not my kids....just me!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Scrambled Egg

I can't even find the words to express my jumbled up mind! It feels like a scrambled egg right now. Too much going on, and not enough time to just hash it all out. I'm so caught up in the world around me, that once again I lost site of me! I allowed others to come into my life and make me believe in things that do not exist. At least not with them! I hate the words, I'm sorry or whatever or anyway....GOD! Erase them from everyone's vocabulary! I can not begin to understand why there are people in this world who just can't grow up. I know we all have our moments of child like behaviors but damnit, leave me out of them! I don't want to be a part of someone's game. I'm tired of games.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Have you taken the risk? Have you gone ALL IN?

You ever find yourself thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time? You ever see what you want but are so afraid of what might happen next that you shy away? How about when you finally get to the point in your life where you just don't care anymore? At what point did you fold your hand without going "ALL IN"? 

I don't know at what point we decide that its the right moment or the right person? Do we just take the risk in hopes that the result is the feelings are returned? Do we make the choice to go all in?

When I was talking to a friend of mine, he made me believe in love again! He made me see that sometimes all the bad or not greats that we had in the past can be negated by just one kiss, one chance to throw it all out there! One risk! I have found myself, over the last five years, wondering what risks I took and which I let pass me by because of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of  loss but mostly fear of loving someone new! 

We have all been through not so great relationships and what happens when they are over....we overanalyze! We wonder what if I would have done this instead, what if I would have said this, what if?! At some point, we have to stop questioning and start answering our our questions! We have to start taking more risks. Though they may seem monumental and  scary, what I find more scary is the after. The point when we realize, we missed out! We let fear dictate our past, present and future. So, when I spoke to another friend and asked...are you happy? You know what answer I got, I'm fine, it doesn't matter anymore because I've learned that I don't care. But is that living? Is that how we should imagine the rest of our lives to be? Why because someone or many someones have hurt us or continue to hurt us? That's not living! That's just being. 

God, didn't put us on this earth to just be. He put us here to live, dream, succeed, procreate, love and most importantly CARE. I know that I have lived a life that I never dreamed, though it hasn't been a fairytale, it has been worth the ride. I have been fortunate enough to love, not just a man, but two men! I have been fortunate to have been loved, even just once, even just for what may be a moment! I would take that moment over a lifetime of I don't cares! 

When I started this whole blogging thing, I knew that I would share parts of me that people rarely see. Why? Because there are so many people out there just like me, a woman scorned by her lover, a mom left to raise her children alone, a stupid fool for walking away from her chance at true happiness and love, a vindictive bitch, a greatful woman, and an even more proud mom! These things are what make me who I am, I am not fake and I don't lie. Because when I did those things, I was not the only person who suffered. I hurt people, I turned people away, I lost friendships, I lost love, I lost my best friend. Because funny as it may seem, my (ex) husband, though he did me wrong, he was once upon a time, my best friend. And I miss my best friend more than I miss my husband. I don't look for him to sweep me off my feet, I've reserved that for someone who deserves me! But I do hope that one day, I can find my best friend again. So, yeah, I'm a single, thirty something year old mom of three...but I am making it! 

So, here it is, we live life to find love and we love to live. Though it may not always be perfect, it has to be right. I struggle with my heart and my head, every day! I struggle with being the mom I need to be for my children, when their dreams of a perfect family have been broken. I struggle, but I decided not long ago that I was going ALL IN. I've made peace with the hate in my heart, though I know it resonates in my ears, I push it aside and focus on the positive. These are the positives:
1. I was a good wife, not a great wife, but I was a good one.
2. I'm a good mom, not perfect, but I give it my all.
3. I love unconditionally and with all my heart.
4. I'm no longer afraid of taking risks, no matter the cost.
5. I am who I am, no man will change me.
6. My body is not perfect, it is scarred, and worn, and has flaws, but the right man will love every scratch!
7. My heart has been broken, I have broken hearts, but the end result was wisdom and strength to learn and  love again.
8. My children are my everything, no man or thing can come before them.
9. I am a strong, smart, independent, beautiful latina! 
10. When you love, it is the most amazing feeling to be loved in return!

So, love with all your heart, take the risks, accept the losses, thrive on the wins and never lose hope that love will give you another chance. BUT ALWAYS, ALWAYS, CARE and GO ALL IN!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Ever After....

So many times we think we have to get through things alone or that no one else has gone through it. I think we do this to ourselves so that we don't face what's really in front of us. I did this for so long, that the fiction I created was reality to me. I lived in a world where if I only hoped, then it would happen. Though I still believe that one must hope for what they want. I now know that in order to get it, you have to go after it. You cannot let the past consume you, you have to embrace the mistakes and all that came with it and apply it to a better tomorrow. 

For so long I fought with myself over decisions I have made over the years. But I cannot regret them, I have to learn from them. I allowed someone to walk into my marriage, jumble stuff up and walk out with my husband. Leaving me to wither and turn into myself. I died that day, or so it seemed. Today, I walk with my head up, my heart bruised, my kids at my side, and the wind at my back. Though sometimes I find myself looking back, it is not in want for what was but in adoration of what was good back then. We all talk about what if we could go back, would we do it all the same or would we change things? This question is two fold for me, because though I would love to go back, I don't know how much I would change. I have three beautiful sons, I get to raise them into great men. What more could I ask for? Ok, ok, so I could ask for LOVE! TRUE LOVE!

My husband was to me my true love for most of my life but though he will hold the title of my first true love, I doubt he will hold the title of my last. I have not loved many men in my life, I have found myself in like often but not in love. I can recall, feeling in love three times. One was with the guy who I took my first experiences with, wow, I can still remember his face, his smile, just about everything about him. The other was my husband, I spent my teenage years and part of my adulthood with him and him alone. Then there was "him", though we were together for a short time and have made mistakes since, he is the one who seems to bear the window to my soul. Yet, here I am, home alone. Without him. Without anyone to love. 

So, are we better off growing up and growing alone? Is love really only meant for heartache? The fairytale child that still lingers in my soul says, love is eternal, it is life, it is everything. Find the one you want to grow with, not just grow old with. That person is truly your happily ever after.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Life Unexpected

A new show started this week and I couldn't wait to see it. "Life Unexpected" was a total surprise for me. I think that though I have not experienced such a situation that the information and lines used on this show can be applied to every "unexpected" life situation. Like, "Grow Up" and "You guy's will never learn" many times have you used those phrases or have had them told to you? 

Recently, I have definitely used "grow up" to describe how I felt about a woman with a selfish need to be in the spotlight when competing with a man's love for his child. Why is it that we want our men to be great father's and role models and to always be there for their children, whether they belong to you or not, yet when the time arises, jealousy ensues. Maybe the insecurity has merit for other reasons, but does that warrant childish behavior in what  may be a serious situation! For some, I think they need to realize that sometimes, they can't be number one. That sometimes, they have to take a backseat to the people who actual matter most...a child! So many times over the last couple of years, I have been taken aback by my (ex) husbands decisions and how he can sometimes remove himself from situations where he may be needed. And after this last episode, though he was there, I understood why he hadn't always been. 

I had been told by certain people that I was an imsecure, desperate woman for continuing to try with my (ex) husband and knowing he was right back into his "situation". And I always asks the question, how can I be the one insecure or desperate when I am the one who has investments with him? A marriage, children, years, etc...and on the other side, what did she have invested...she had no ties, no need for him to be there, only what seemed to be an ego to have stroked. Imagine someone telling you this, "I know he loves you and he is infatuated with me but I get what I want when I want, why would I give that up?" ARGH! When I heard those words, I almost jumped out my skin! How could you be so self centered and immoral? You (and him) destroyed my family, my children, our home? You could have found someone without all these things to use, why what doesn't belong to you? Though I have gotten past that moment, it rings true in my head whenever certain instances arise. It just makes me wonder about a woman who wants to be a part of my children's lives yet makes poor comments and inappropriate behaviors that confirm my need to shelter and protect my children from such....poison. I have had my insecurities confirmed numerous times by her and him but at least I have some to accept them and though they may still be lingering they do not consume me. 

What I do know is this....I expect him to be there for his children, from a simple milestone to an emergency medical situation. Mommy is for comfort and Daddy is for "Big Boy" strength. My Boys, Our Boys, look for those simple reassurances. And though people will blame me for the lack of the abundance of those moments, I will say this: My children have been exposed to many things, which he nor I can take back. I respect their opinions and I back them 100%. I do not want to place my children in situations that make them uncomfortable. I will not force them to have to deal with a life they did not choose. Sometimes as adults we want to make our children "deal" with the situation but who does that help? What does that teach them? Sure, they should learn that sometimes life is unexpected and hands us situations that we would never want for ourselves and that we should face them head on! Then, I remember, these are children and they don't need to be worried about life's unexpected dilemmas and nuisances. That's our jobs as their parents. Does that mean we completely shelter them from the situation? NO. We talk about it and weigh the options. We make a decision as a family, with me as the parent, having the final say. It hasn't been easy because learning to be a single mother of three boys is not something I intended on being. But each day I learn a little more and experience something new and I can apply it to their futures. We are our own little world inside this big world. We make decisions as a family. We live our own lives and allow those who earn it, the privilege to be apart of that.

So, yes, life can be unexpected and surprisingly wonderful and disappointing all at once. But for us, we embrace each moment, measure it out and make the decision that is best for a family. And sometimes that means, others around us lose out.  

Friday, January 15, 2010

A week in Hell

Have you ever felt like the odds are stacked against you and no matter what you do...the outcome is never good! Well, this has been my week! After the stroke of midnight on my birthday, the world spiraled and hit the core. Maybe I an in sync with mother nature and natural disasters. Because the next morning when I could open my eyes, I heard the devastating news of the earthquake that rocked Haiti. Life's events have a way of clustering! If I look back on the last 5 years of my life, for every good thing a cluster of bad swarms me! It just doesn't seem fair and yet I hate saying that phrase because as bad as I think I have it...others are way worse off. But for this blog, its going to be about my feelings at this moment!

The night of my birthday I set out to party with my favorite DJ and some friends. And the night was a actual birthday was amazing and filled with friends and even though some didn't show, I intended on having fun anyway. Midnight hit and within an hour and a half of my actual birthday being over, shit got ugly! My purse was stolen and everything I owned was in it. My camera, which had pics from that night and pics of my kids. My wallet with my drivers license, my two bank cards and God knows what else. My two cell phones! Lots of cash, some which was not even mine! And minute stuff. I went nuts! Searching and searching! Then my head started to spin and the alcohol from that night started to pound through my body! Never have I felt so unleveled at one moments time! I gathered my senses and pick up the pieces and headed home! I couldn't even fathom that someone could be so cruel! If you wanted my money and my phones, take them but leave my damn license and important documents! Oh well, so I have spent the last two days, running around getting my cards inactivated, my phones restricted, my license renewed and replaced...and money lost! But the one thing I was looking forward to was tonight! I planned a Girls Night with the kick off at my Adult Toy Party. I've been plannig this for over a month and people telling me they are coming, until tiday when i started to confirm. People telling me, I don't know if I can or I'll meet up with you after....and my heart sank. I became angry, upset, let down, overwhelmed! Why? Because I am the type of person who doesn't let people down, or I try really hard not to. I run around doing people favors, and taking my "ME" time and giving it to others. You need me, I'm there! Now, I just start to feel used and abused by the people who are supposed to always be there for me.

A friend told me recently, "just give up on 2010, its a bust for you" and though I felt the same way about it, my heart told me keep the faith! I am just tired of hoping and praying that things will change, that they will be better! i have tried my best and yet it all still seems wrong. I've been good to me, I have finally made waves in not being or worrying about being with my (ex)husband. I have moved past him and taken an active role in my hearts desires. But that too sometimes seems foolish. It seems like, when I love, I have bad timing. And when I try to let it just find me, I find myself downsizing and critiquing. Is that wrong? Is it wrong for me to want what I want and accept nothing less?

I contemplate so many thoughts at once, that this blog may seem all over the place today, but that is how I am feeling! I was just thinking about the tattoo on my read,"Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow", damn, though I truly believe in its meaning, this last week has made me challenge that.

So, I'm going to hope that this weekend turns out to be all that I had hoped it be! Please don't let me down!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Want Vs. Can't

Want vs Can't....
How often do we say, " I want this but I can't because...."? Why do we rationalize our wants with things that we know we have complete control over? But isn't it funny how we pick and chose what is a can or can't?! Like cheating, you chose to do that but why? How do you rationalize your decision to have an affair whether it be physical or emotional? Do we look at the life we have been living and say what if? Or can I still get someone else? What makes us chose what we chose?

So many times we limit ourselves with the word can't and its time we stop saying can't and start saying I can try. No one is asking for the whole things all at once but damnit, make an effort! I have chosen to make an effort in my life recently and chose to take risks with my happiness, with my heart. I finally reached the point where I wanted to hit the "erase" button...say it with me, "Erase, Erase, Erase!!" Ahhhh, if only that made everything go away right?! Haha! But even if I could just hit an erase button, I wouldn't want to erase everything because though I have been hurt, embarrassed, vindicated against....those are the things that changed me and made me stronger. Those are the things that brought new love into my life. Those are the things that have made me a better mother to my children. I have gained infinite wisdom from my past and look forward to applying it to my present and future.

I have wants and though they may not be necessary things, they are all mine! I deserve to have and attain my wants. I am putting it all out there and going "ALL IN"....will you?

Monday, January 4, 2010



–verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

This is a word that we all think about when faced with betrayal or an act that seems oh so wrong. But can we really do it? Can we find it in ourselves to gather the strength to say these few words: "Can you forgive me?" All to often we find ourselves saying I'm sorry. But do they mean the same thing? NO! I once read this article that spoke about the difference between saying, "I'm Sorry" and "Forgive Me". The article said that when using the phrase "I'm Sorry" we are not truly asking for forgiveness. Saying I'm sorry means you do not have the ability to give up control and truly giving the other person the chance to make that decision. When we say "Forgive Me", we are allowing the other person to have the control and then therefore making it THEIR decision on whether the act you committed is worth their forgiveness. OK, so where am I going with this, right?

In the last few years of my life I have fought with the idea of forgiveness and the need for forgiveness from others. I burned bridges when I chose to try to save my marriage for a man who didn't deserve me. People talked and I pretended to truly listen. I put myself and my cheating husband ahead of the people who were just trying to be there for me and help me find my way. I also gave up, twice, on a man who deserved for me to give him my whole heart, yet I cheated him and only gave him part! I let myself believe that I was making the right choice in fighting for my marriage. But was I really? I fought with another woman over a man whom didn't deserve my fight. I let go of my real possibility at finding true happiness with someone else...for what?! To be here, years later, pounding myself on the head and wondering what if? What if I had chosen him? What if I'd just let my husband be without my interference? WHAT IF?

No more what ifs for me! Now, its how do I forgive and what can I do to be forgiven? Can I truly forgive my husband for what he did? Can I truly forgive the woman who stood between my family and cause my children to hurt? Can I be forgiven by the one man who truly showed he could put me first? Can that forgiveness translate into a new beginning? No its more of a ... Can it?

For over a year I have lived alone with my children. Consumed still by the life I had and what got me to where I am today. And today, today I find myself loving my husband but not needing him or wanting him. I believe I will always love him, he was my world for most of my life. But I want a new world, a new life! I want to give my love and receive the same in return from someone who deserves it. Now the only true question in my head is, "Can he FORGIVE me?". Can I forgive me for what I did to him?

Life is like a baseball at bat. You step up to the plate, get in the zone, question what pitch is coming. You get three strikes, foul balls, the opportunity to walk, the opportunity to hit, or ground out, or strike out....but at the end of that at bat, you have a concrete stat. I have stepped up to the plate and found myself with many foul balls, a couple of balls, and definitely two strikes against me! I am struggling with my last swing because though I may strike out, I refuse to step out the box! I refuse to go down looking! I am in it for the HIT! I want to reach that base! I want the opportunity to get another at bat! But then I realize whose pitching...whose fielding...whose calling the plays...IT'S ME! The only people who are not me are the Umpires! First Base, Second Base, Third Base, and Home's HIM...though I am at bat, though I am calling the plays, I pitching the ball and fielding the game...he has the ultimate call to make. I give him that power because I am asking...."Forgive Me".

Sunday, January 3, 2010

A Decade In Review

2000 - 2009 , ten years in my life and geez so much took place. In no real order, here is a list of the good, the bad, the ugly and the unfinished....

1. Graduated College in 2001 with a BS in Health Sciences and a Concentration In Athletic Training. All the while, playing Collegiate Division 1 Volleyball, working full time, having my son in 1997 and being a full time mom and juggling my relationship.

2. Getting engaged.

3. Getting married in 2003.

4. Accepting a position as Head Volleyball Coach at the Collegiate Division 1 Level.

5. Having my second son in 2005.

6. Turned 21, 25, and 30 all in one decade!

7. Learned my husband was having an affair with a former co-worker!

8. Separated from my husband (whom I had been with since I was 15).

9. Took my husband back, spoke to the other woman and still later found myself in the same situation.

10. Met someone new, whom I left when my husband came running back.

11. Moved three times.

12. Threw him out again because once again, she was back in our lives!

13. Tried to rekindle a romance with someone to be ruined again by my husband! Ugh!

14. Let him back in my house, while he still carried on his affair.

15. Took care of him when he needed major surgery and in the process became pregnant with baby boy #3.

16. Asked him to leave after nursing him to health to have him run back to her when he could.

17. Reconnected with long lost friends.

18. Found myself torn with the secret of the impending addition to my family, while he lived with the other woman.

19. My middle child being limp in my arms at 400am after having a Feveral Seizure while I was 8 months pregnant and alone!

20. Giving birth to my third son in 2009.

21. Losing a friend to murder-suicide in 2009.

22. Making major emotional changes for mine and my childrens benefit.

23. My husbands grandma passed....boy did that hurt...still hurts two years later. RIP Nanny.

24. The death of my husbands uncle, so quickly and abruptly. RIP.

God, the list could continue on and on but in the end the decade is done and I have few regrets. It has made me into the woman I am today. Though I struggle, I find myself stronger now than I was when my world started to crumble. I always thought that I would be married and never divorced! And though I am still not divorced, I am a single mom of three beautiful boys and I wouldn't trade that for anything. My sons love their dad and cherish each moment they get to have with him. I cherish every second of my life and live each day as they come.

So, maybe the last decade was all the good and bad that one should endure, maybe its not. But what I do know is its a new decade, a new year, and new possibilities and I'm glad to share the ride with you!