A place for some venting on the daily life of a thirty something single (but married) mom of three and how to she juggles life, love, drama, kids, and all the worlds dealings.
I have been so focused on business that I have neglected my poor blogging. But this past week I came across many different tragedies that have led me to this blog. If you are a Gleek like I am and watched last week's episode then you know exactly where I am going with this blog.
So many times we are so enthralled in our own personal lives and what is going on that we forget or ignore the reality of what happens around us. In last weeks episode of Glee, they addressed so many different important topics that effect us all. Being a mom of three boys, I have to stop and reflect on all the things that can change our lives and theirs in a split second! From teenage relationships, big decisions, life altering competition, bullying, suicide, texting while driving and the list goes on and on.
But what happens when the "on screen" hits reality and enters your life? How does it effect you? What do you do to change it? My mother got some very tragic news this past weekend, a former colleague and friend committed suicide and no one really knows why. This man was successful, had a wife and children and yet he was so depressed that he felt the need to walk off a ledge and fall to his death! And his family was left with the question, why? They will probably never have the answers they are looking for but after attending the memorial service my mom came back changed. She recanted some of the words shared at this memorial by this man's children and his wife. And as if I knew this man, I was hurt and felt pain. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain his family was feeling, if I who didn't even know them, felt pain. Tears filled my eyes as my mother told of this man's daughter saying how she would make him proud. That she would continue on her journey to succeed because it is what would make him happy. That she was only sad because she would not be here to see her successes when she graduated law school, when she got married and how he would never know his grandchildren when she had them. Those words resonated in my ears. With all that she could have said, her biggest sadness was that he would not be here for those milestones in her life. Not that she was angry with him or that she didn't know how to go on but that he would miss these moments in her life. She left off with saying how she was only happy knowing that he was with her grandfather and not alone. And that what she would miss the most is his interaction with her mother. How she would miss how he looked at her...with love always in his eyes! WORDS from a CHILD! Amazing! Truly moving and inspiring. But I think the most heart wrenching moment spoken at this man's memorial was from his wife. Her words were simply, "I don't know how to go on this life's journey without my Best Friend" When my mom was telling this last statement, I could hear the pain in my moms voice as she then turned and said, "All I could think about is my husband and how I couldn't imagine a day without him". My heart ached for this woman, for my mother, for myself.
So many things can change in an instant! Life's curveballs have a way of knocking us on our behinds! So, take a moment, look at your life, be greatful for the things you do and aspire for the greatness you deserve. Don't let a moment of hurt, keep you from moving forward. Learn from others pains, learn from your own pain. Don't take for granted that everything you have is gifted and unchangeable. Life happens when you are not looking and change can send you in a direction you are not ready to endure. But when it does, accept the pain, but do not forget how you got there. Remember the good times and how many more outweigh those bad ones. Because if you live life dwelling on all the bad that has happened to you, you will miss all the good trying to barrel down your door. With all that society is showing us, we need to open our eyes and take a look around. Remember that we are not just one person effecting one person...we are one person effecting the world!
It is moments like this one, right now, that remind me that I am doing the right thing! It is moments like this, that tell me my children are better off with the life we are living than to force them into a situation where they themselves are not happy. Granted, being a single mom and taking care of 3 boys alone is not my idea of an ideal situation. And everyday I have to pray to God that he will remind each day why my life has turned out this way. And every day I awaken to three handsome boys and then I remember.
It breaks my heart to watch them wonder....to ask me the heartbreaking questions on why our family is not like other families. And simply stated, all I can say is...God has a different plan for our family! But like any six year old...more questions come from that answer and I am left with a massive headache and heartache. How many more times am I going to have to reinforce to my children that everything will be ok. That Mommy and Daddy love them but things sometimes just don't work out. That's the best answer I can give my children! What is wrong with me?! Marriages aren't about "working out", they are about working through. That is truly the mistake made! But it seems that our lack or inability to work through the hard times, have effected our children in more ways than one can imagine. Don't get me wrong, my children are happy. But it's that moment in their eyes, when they see "intact" families and don't say a word but show their longing in their glares. I wish I knew how to fix that pain. I wish that life would stop throwing my children curveballs and remember that they are just that... children.
As a parent, we feel this overwhelming need to protect our children. To guard them from all that is bad. But what about the rest of the world. The other people who imprint on our children's lives...directly and indirectly. I encourage you as parents, mom, dads, women and men... before you put it all out there, think about who you may be affecting. Self-gratification is a wonderful feeling when its appropriate but in this day and age, in our world of technology, every moment made public is an opportunity to influence or effect a life.
Every single moment of your existence has an effect on the rest of “time.” - D.Cook
Let's take some time...think about our actions and how they directly and indirectly can affect our children, others children....strangers! How every action has a ripple effect and resonates throughout the world, touching more lives than that of which it was initially intended for. I cannot change the outcome of my failed marriage, it is what it is. Acceptance is never easy but it is necessary. Teaching my children that life goes on, that though the dynamics of this family are not "ideal" they are still that of a family. Together or apart, the love that we feel for our children will never change. THAT...I can promise them. But at some point, all I can do is hope that the choices we have made, that I have made, that he has made...that others have made...that those choices negative or positive will prove significant! And my children will be better for having endured it.
Take some time today, reflect, decide...choose to be effective...Positively.
It was 5:30 am and a loud noise jolted me out of my slumber. My eyes sprang open and I panicked..."What the hell was that?!" At that moment, I notice my two year old had been woken up by the same loud noise. Within seconds, I am out of bed, thinking maybe something fell...like my t.v. fell off the wall or something. But then I heard it again, it felt like my whole apartment shook! That's when I realized my neighbor's boyfriend was banging down her door! I ran to my door and as I looked out the peep hole, I felt the shaking again, this time accompanied with his screaming. I immediately checked my door to be sure all the locks were on and I picked up the phone to dial 911! This was not the first time he had done this, but this was the first time I ever felt like I needed to call the police. When the emergency responder gets on the line, she asks what the emergency is? I was trying to whisper, so he couldn't incidentally hear me. The respondent couldn't hear me, so I went into my other bathroom and spoke more loudly. "My next door neighbors boyfriend is kicking in her door!" I gave them the address but when they asked what apartment...I drew a blank. I said, I have no idea but I can tell you what door to let them know. In that moment, I felt even more helpless, like if this woman needed immediate help, I couldn't even pin point her apartment with a number. And then came the question...."Do you want to give your name?" It came out my throat almost immediately, "No". All I could think about is, if this man was barreling down her door, what would he do if he knew it was me who called the police?
When I hung up the line, all I could think was, I hope I helped and did the right thing. This man has done this before. But this time it was as if he had super human powers! I swear you would have thought an earthquake was happening! On other occasions, he has banged and yelled for her to let him in. He has practically slept the night away on the floor in front of her door. She has called the police herself and asked that they remove him from her home. I thought he was gone for good this last time because it had been quiet and I had not seen him around. This man definitely has a substance abuse problem, if you would see him, you would agree. But I just feel for this girl. She is a young girl, maybe in her twenties and this man is just BAD news!
So, here is my question, I have never gotten involved to the point of calling the police. But I am a single mother in a home alone with my three children. Our other neighbors also have small children. I just felt the need to protect my own and try to help without being directly involved. At what point does our roles as neighbors go from Good Samaritan to Dangerous Involvement? At what point, is this situation not only unsafe for this woman, but unsafe for me and my family?! What would you have done? Have you ever been in a similar situation? What was your recourse?
I spent two hours last night crying! Why, you ask? One word...."COURAGEOUS"
If you have not seen this movie or have never heard of it, I am going to introduce to a life changing movement!
Though this movie is about the importance of fathers in the lives of their children. As a mom, I felt the message in my heart and soul. I felt the need to do more, be more! The movie gives statistics on lives of children whose fathers are not present in their lives or who are present, but not there.
I have to say, three minutes into the movie, I was balling! They take moments that are real and true and they give them to you...RAW! They make you feel. They take everyday moments too and how we non-chalantly take for granted everything around us, every hour, every minute, every second. What happens when those times runs out...would you have been better than a "GOOD ENOUGH" parent?
Though I believe in God and I have questioned his judgement. I have questioned his presence when my world seems to be falling apart. I have asked him too..."What do you want from me? What do you want me to do?" This movie will once again do that for you, but in a whole new light. I cried for two hours, not because the movie is sooo sad but because it makes you question your every decision as a parent.
I will say this, even if you don't believe in God or think I'm not really religious....don't let that deter you from being changed. Not to watch the movie, get up and say I just found God and I believe. But to allow the movie to change you as a parent. To allow you to question just how good a parent you really have been. Allow yourself to be...COURAGEOUS...for your children!
Have you ever had a friendship that was like a roller coaster? Where your ups and downs are moments where you are the best of friends then moments you can't even talk to one another? In my life, I have experienced how someone can come to be your lifeline, like you are literally connected by an invisible cord and where one is the other is not far behind. I grew to love those relationships and depend on them for everyday life. It wasn't until moments in my life came to test me, that our friendship was tested.
My marriage was falling apart before my very eyes and I was doing everything I could to try to pick up the pieces. That invisible chord of friendship started to truly vanish...not because my marriage was ending but more because things came to light. Secrets revealed. Advice given, but not taken. It came to a point where I just wanted everyone to stop giving me their opinion and stop talking and just listen. My life had just crumbled and all people wanted to tell me was how bad he was, or how I'm a fool for wanting to try, or if he loved you...blah, blah, blah...it became one of those moments you watch on tv, when the person is sitting there and there are all these thought clouds of people talking! So, I took out my eraser and said..."Erase, Erase, Erase". If you couldn't just be there for me without judgement, then I couldn't have you in my life. I had to figure out what worked for me...on my own.
Through the years since that time, those friendships have been rekindled and lost and rekindled and now on the verge of lose again. Why? Because moments of the past resurface and when confronted, the ugly comes out. So, what's a girl to do? I guess, just continue to go on with or without them, I have made it this far with the people who have chosen to remain in my life...so, I shall continue forging forward. I'll never stop loving them and caring about them, but I guess I have to realize sometimes it better to love and care from a distance.
As Valentine's Day fast approaches, I thought it fitting to get a little cupid. So, we will start with the simplest, or so it seems, forms of affection. THE KISS.
Have you ever stopped and analyzed a kiss. We all know the, eyes open or eyes closed thing....but have you ever thought about all those other ones and what they mean? Like a kiss on the cheek, the forehead, the neck...what do they mean?
I have done some research on different sites and compiled a list of many different types of kisses and put them together for you to analyze your kiss and/or that of your significant other.
The Open-Mouthed Kiss:
Slightly parted lips, shows interest in you...take your time and enjoy the ride. The passion is hidden in that kiss!
The Closed-Mouthed Kiss:
He may simply being a gentleman but he is definitely interested. What you need to ask yourself is if this is stilll happening long time after you are together...he might be uptight or your breathe needs a mint often lol.
The Kiss On The Cheek:
Not so easy to read. Can be expression of sweet affection or the killer..."Let's just be friends" kiss of death!
The French Kiss:
Using tongue is a clear sign of revving up the engines! Definite interest and longing.
The Smothering French Kiss:
This is when they are literally eating your face LMAO..it feels passionate and full of lust but it may just be that...the fast track to the bedroom. (Ladies, though we all love the heat of passion, this is when they usually skip the foreplay and head straight for gratification....take out the whip and slow him down! lol)
The Forehead Kiss:
Means you are protected and safe. They want you to know they care about you but without the words be spoken aloud.
It's the kiss that means he loves you. The kiss that lets you know he's got your back. The kiss that separates the "I love you" from the "I'm in love with you." - Excerpt from Datingish
This is the kiss of all kisses for me. It speak volumes!
There are soooo many more kisses and expression, but these are the most common. What was the last kiss you got or gave?
If you didn't watch Grey's last night and don't want to know what happened...stop reading now and come back when you watch. If you did watch it....
We, as parents, seem to trick ourselves into thinking that our kids are not observant. That they just believe whatever we tell as law. But what happens when it's your child with a life threatening tumor and you are a single parent...when you think that not telling them what is wrong is helping them. But they see, they hear...they know. They have heard you crying in the bathroom, in your room, when you think they are asleep. They know more than we can even begin to understand at their age. What happens when we exhaust every possibility and still cannot save them? How do we continue to try to live as if they are fine? How do we continue the lie? Who is that helping?
In last night's episode, when that 11 year old boy told his mom...its ok mom, you'll be ok...I started balling. Because it just rings through me and reminds me how smart and observant our children really are. It reminds me that we try to protect them from all that is bad and yet when we can't, they seem to find the strength that we have lost in the fight and they share it with us. The offer their love and give us their strength. They teach us.
I cannot imagine a day, an hour, a minute, a second without my children. I cannot imagine what it would feel like to have one of them dying before my very eyes and me being helpless. But that is not the reason for this blog post...the real reason behind this is the understanding that THEY KNOW. When I think of how many times in the last six years that I have cried in my bathroom, in my bed, when I thought they were sleeping....stories like this make me realize how much they really do know, see, hear. It makes my heart hurt just a little more because I have tried to protect them from the major pains I have gone through. I have tried to protect them from our failed family. I have tried to transition them as smoothly as possible...but is there really such a thing. Am I stupid for thinking I could protect them and just smile as if there is nothing wrong? I don't think I am wrong, I just think I am hopeful that the good happiness outweighs the bad pain and that it shines through more prominently.
So, what if... what if they really do know? what if they really do see? What if....
Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a
world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in
movies. You expect him to always say the right thing, and always know
exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect him to
calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You
expect so much that you feel entirely, utterly defeated when something
doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans. But that’s the thing. Love
isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has
no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why
you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that
seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They
can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re
in love. It’s inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we
can’t live without it. What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How
much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it
isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it. Love isn’t him calming you down when you yell. It’s him yelling, just
as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake
you up and to keep you grounded. It isn’t him bringing you roses
everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more
presentable. It’s after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of
you both, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning anyway.
It’s not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to
handle you. So no, it’s not her caressing your hair and telling you that
everything’s going to be alright. It’s him standing there, admitting
he’s just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love,
you’re not the only one involved. You’ve unknowingly put your life, your
heart into the palms of another person’s hand and said “here. Do what
you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As
long as you have it.” It makes us crazy. It makes us invisible and it erases all the lines
that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in;
feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It’s about scaring the crap
out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all
the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And
it’s a lot better than being 100% happy without someone to show us that
there is a world of difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling
whole. Life is a challenge, and so is love. Things never come easy in life;
if they do, memories are rare, suffering won’t get you through the tough
times, there’s nothing to look back on. There’s no mistakes that you
learn from. In the end, it’s all worth it. - Excerpt from "Life is a Beautiful Struggle"
When you stop and take a look at the loves of your life, you will look and see that holding on to those memories is what made you the person you are today. That, finding that kind of love, is worth fighting for. It may not be the perfect situation but eventually it will be just right for you.
Sometimes, perception is wayyyy off! Sometimes, people are not seeing what is really there. It takes two to make it work, it takes two to letting go, it takes two to move on...Think about it this way, when you get married, two people vow to be one. When you get divorced, two people agree to part. So, when you want to question whether you are wrong for holding on to that love you know still exists, don't question, don't allow to be questioned. You have no one to answer to and no one to seek approval from. That feeling exists because despite life's curveballs, love transcends. Happiness is your perception, not someone else's opinion.
When one door of happiness closes, another opens,
but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
- Helen Keller
Often I have found myself staring at that closed door and trying to find ways to break it open. But in doing so, I definitely missed another open door, window, floor board..lol..a way out of being stuck! So, yeah, when you start to feel stuck and can't open that closed door...take a step back, take a deep breath and look around you. Figure out whether the chaotic dungeon you are living in is where you want to be. Because until you realize that you don't want to be in your own prison, you will not see that other open door!
