Friday, January 20, 2012

What If...

If you didn't watch Grey's last night and don't want to know what happened...stop reading now and come back when you watch. If you did watch it....

We, as parents, seem to trick ourselves into thinking that our kids are not observant. That they just believe whatever we tell as law. But what happens when it's your child with a life threatening tumor and you are a single parent...when you think that not telling them what is wrong is helping them. But they see, they hear...they know. They have heard you crying in the bathroom, in your room, when you think they are asleep. They know more than we can even begin to understand at their age. What happens when we exhaust every possibility and still cannot save them? How do we continue to try to live as if they are fine? How do we continue the lie? Who is that helping?

In last night's episode, when that 11 year old boy told his mom...its ok mom, you'll be ok...I started balling. Because it just rings through me and reminds me how smart and observant our children really are. It reminds me that we try to protect them from all that is bad and yet when we can't, they seem to find the strength that we have lost in the fight and they share it with us. The offer their love and give us their strength. They teach us.

I cannot imagine a day, an hour, a minute, a second without my children. I cannot imagine what it would feel like to have one of them dying before my very eyes and me being helpless. But that is not the reason for this blog post...the real reason behind this is the understanding that THEY KNOW. When I think of how many times in the last six years that I have cried in my bathroom, in my bed, when I thought they were sleeping....stories like this make me realize how much they really do know, see, hear. It makes my heart hurt just a little more because I have tried to protect them from the major pains I have gone through. I have tried to protect them from our failed family. I have tried to transition them as smoothly as possible...but is there really such a thing. Am I stupid for thinking I could protect them and just smile as if there is nothing wrong? I don't think I am wrong, I just think I am hopeful that the good happiness outweighs the bad pain and that it shines through more prominently.

So, what if... what if they really do know? what if they really do see? What if....


  1. I lost my son to cancer... "It reminds me that we try to protect them from all that is bad and yet when we can't, they seem to find the strength that we have lost in the fight and they share it with us." You have no idea how true this statement is. THX

    1. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. You are so welcome...I hope my post reminds you of your son's strength and empowers you just a little bit more today. God Bless!

  2. I cried during this episode. We (my mom, son, and I) lived with a very abusive Aunt (my moms sister) and no matter how much I thought I had protected my son (6 at the time) from what was happening he would bring it up. I felt horrible over the fact that he knew what was going on. He would make statements like "why is she so mean? why does she hate you mommy?" It broke my heart. You are absolutely right when you say that they know even when we think they don't!

  3. I think we try to fool ourselves into believing that we are doing a good job of hiding the truth from them. But in reality, the only person who isn't seeing the truth is us! They are mini versions of us and sometimes I think they are even better versions of us! My children have been through the ringer and still I will play the role that I am ok, even when I am not. Because I need to be strong for them. But I'm not dumb, they know...they know!

  4. You guys are way ahead of us in Greys but pretty much every episode makes me cry anyway. I dont know - protecting kids is a hard thing. I am do it maybe too much, but my philosophy is they have their youth to enjoy being naive to the bad things and sad things in life, plenty of time when they gorw up for that. xx