Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Have you taken the risk? Have you gone ALL IN?

You ever find yourself thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time? You ever see what you want but are so afraid of what might happen next that you shy away? How about when you finally get to the point in your life where you just don't care anymore? At what point did you fold your hand without going "ALL IN"? 

I don't know at what point we decide that its the right moment or the right person? Do we just take the risk in hopes that the result is the feelings are returned? Do we make the choice to go all in?

When I was talking to a friend of mine, he made me believe in love again! He made me see that sometimes all the bad or not greats that we had in the past can be negated by just one kiss, one chance to throw it all out there! One risk! I have found myself, over the last five years, wondering what risks I took and which I let pass me by because of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of  loss but mostly fear of loving someone new! 

We have all been through not so great relationships and what happens when they are over....we overanalyze! We wonder what if I would have done this instead, what if I would have said this, what if?! At some point, we have to stop questioning and start answering our our questions! We have to start taking more risks. Though they may seem monumental and  scary, what I find more scary is the after. The point when we realize, we missed out! We let fear dictate our past, present and future. So, when I spoke to another friend and asked...are you happy? You know what answer I got, I'm fine, it doesn't matter anymore because I've learned that I don't care. But is that living? Is that how we should imagine the rest of our lives to be? Why because someone or many someones have hurt us or continue to hurt us? That's not living! That's just being. 

God, didn't put us on this earth to just be. He put us here to live, dream, succeed, procreate, love and most importantly CARE. I know that I have lived a life that I never dreamed, though it hasn't been a fairytale, it has been worth the ride. I have been fortunate enough to love, not just a man, but two men! I have been fortunate to have been loved, even just once, even just for what may be a moment! I would take that moment over a lifetime of I don't cares! 

When I started this whole blogging thing, I knew that I would share parts of me that people rarely see. Why? Because there are so many people out there just like me, a woman scorned by her lover, a mom left to raise her children alone, a stupid fool for walking away from her chance at true happiness and love, a vindictive bitch, a greatful woman, and an even more proud mom! These things are what make me who I am, I am not fake and I don't lie. Because when I did those things, I was not the only person who suffered. I hurt people, I turned people away, I lost friendships, I lost love, I lost my best friend. Because funny as it may seem, my (ex) husband, though he did me wrong, he was once upon a time, my best friend. And I miss my best friend more than I miss my husband. I don't look for him to sweep me off my feet, I've reserved that for someone who deserves me! But I do hope that one day, I can find my best friend again. So, yeah, I'm a single, thirty something year old mom of three...but I am making it! 

So, here it is, we live life to find love and we love to live. Though it may not always be perfect, it has to be right. I struggle with my heart and my head, every day! I struggle with being the mom I need to be for my children, when their dreams of a perfect family have been broken. I struggle, but I decided not long ago that I was going ALL IN. I've made peace with the hate in my heart, though I know it resonates in my ears, I push it aside and focus on the positive. These are the positives:
1. I was a good wife, not a great wife, but I was a good one.
2. I'm a good mom, not perfect, but I give it my all.
3. I love unconditionally and with all my heart.
4. I'm no longer afraid of taking risks, no matter the cost.
5. I am who I am, no man will change me.
6. My body is not perfect, it is scarred, and worn, and has flaws, but the right man will love every scratch!
7. My heart has been broken, I have broken hearts, but the end result was wisdom and strength to learn and  love again.
8. My children are my everything, no man or thing can come before them.
9. I am a strong, smart, independent, beautiful latina! 
10. When you love, it is the most amazing feeling to be loved in return!

So, love with all your heart, take the risks, accept the losses, thrive on the wins and never lose hope that love will give you another chance. BUT ALWAYS, ALWAYS, CARE and GO ALL IN!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Ever After....

So many times we think we have to get through things alone or that no one else has gone through it. I think we do this to ourselves so that we don't face what's really in front of us. I did this for so long, that the fiction I created was reality to me. I lived in a world where if I only hoped, then it would happen. Though I still believe that one must hope for what they want. I now know that in order to get it, you have to go after it. You cannot let the past consume you, you have to embrace the mistakes and all that came with it and apply it to a better tomorrow. 

For so long I fought with myself over decisions I have made over the years. But I cannot regret them, I have to learn from them. I allowed someone to walk into my marriage, jumble stuff up and walk out with my husband. Leaving me to wither and turn into myself. I died that day, or so it seemed. Today, I walk with my head up, my heart bruised, my kids at my side, and the wind at my back. Though sometimes I find myself looking back, it is not in want for what was but in adoration of what was good back then. We all talk about what if we could go back, would we do it all the same or would we change things? This question is two fold for me, because though I would love to go back, I don't know how much I would change. I have three beautiful sons, I get to raise them into great men. What more could I ask for? Ok, ok, so I could ask for LOVE! TRUE LOVE!

My husband was to me my true love for most of my life but though he will hold the title of my first true love, I doubt he will hold the title of my last. I have not loved many men in my life, I have found myself in like often but not in love. I can recall, feeling in love three times. One was with the guy who I took my first experiences with, wow, I can still remember his face, his smile, just about everything about him. The other was my husband, I spent my teenage years and part of my adulthood with him and him alone. Then there was "him", though we were together for a short time and have made mistakes since, he is the one who seems to bear the window to my soul. Yet, here I am, home alone. Without him. Without anyone to love. 

So, are we better off growing up and growing alone? Is love really only meant for heartache? The fairytale child that still lingers in my soul says, love is eternal, it is life, it is everything. Find the one you want to grow with, not just grow old with. That person is truly your happily ever after.