Thursday, January 21, 2010

Life Unexpected

A new show started this week and I couldn't wait to see it. "Life Unexpected" was a total surprise for me. I think that though I have not experienced such a situation that the information and lines used on this show can be applied to every "unexpected" life situation. Like, "Grow Up" and "You guy's will never learn" many times have you used those phrases or have had them told to you? 

Recently, I have definitely used "grow up" to describe how I felt about a woman with a selfish need to be in the spotlight when competing with a man's love for his child. Why is it that we want our men to be great father's and role models and to always be there for their children, whether they belong to you or not, yet when the time arises, jealousy ensues. Maybe the insecurity has merit for other reasons, but does that warrant childish behavior in what  may be a serious situation! For some, I think they need to realize that sometimes, they can't be number one. That sometimes, they have to take a backseat to the people who actual matter most...a child! So many times over the last couple of years, I have been taken aback by my (ex) husbands decisions and how he can sometimes remove himself from situations where he may be needed. And after this last episode, though he was there, I understood why he hadn't always been. 

I had been told by certain people that I was an imsecure, desperate woman for continuing to try with my (ex) husband and knowing he was right back into his "situation". And I always asks the question, how can I be the one insecure or desperate when I am the one who has investments with him? A marriage, children, years, etc...and on the other side, what did she have invested...she had no ties, no need for him to be there, only what seemed to be an ego to have stroked. Imagine someone telling you this, "I know he loves you and he is infatuated with me but I get what I want when I want, why would I give that up?" ARGH! When I heard those words, I almost jumped out my skin! How could you be so self centered and immoral? You (and him) destroyed my family, my children, our home? You could have found someone without all these things to use, why what doesn't belong to you? Though I have gotten past that moment, it rings true in my head whenever certain instances arise. It just makes me wonder about a woman who wants to be a part of my children's lives yet makes poor comments and inappropriate behaviors that confirm my need to shelter and protect my children from such....poison. I have had my insecurities confirmed numerous times by her and him but at least I have some to accept them and though they may still be lingering they do not consume me. 

What I do know is this....I expect him to be there for his children, from a simple milestone to an emergency medical situation. Mommy is for comfort and Daddy is for "Big Boy" strength. My Boys, Our Boys, look for those simple reassurances. And though people will blame me for the lack of the abundance of those moments, I will say this: My children have been exposed to many things, which he nor I can take back. I respect their opinions and I back them 100%. I do not want to place my children in situations that make them uncomfortable. I will not force them to have to deal with a life they did not choose. Sometimes as adults we want to make our children "deal" with the situation but who does that help? What does that teach them? Sure, they should learn that sometimes life is unexpected and hands us situations that we would never want for ourselves and that we should face them head on! Then, I remember, these are children and they don't need to be worried about life's unexpected dilemmas and nuisances. That's our jobs as their parents. Does that mean we completely shelter them from the situation? NO. We talk about it and weigh the options. We make a decision as a family, with me as the parent, having the final say. It hasn't been easy because learning to be a single mother of three boys is not something I intended on being. But each day I learn a little more and experience something new and I can apply it to their futures. We are our own little world inside this big world. We make decisions as a family. We live our own lives and allow those who earn it, the privilege to be apart of that.

So, yes, life can be unexpected and surprisingly wonderful and disappointing all at once. But for us, we embrace each moment, measure it out and make the decision that is best for a family. And sometimes that means, others around us lose out.  

Friday, January 15, 2010

A week in Hell

Have you ever felt like the odds are stacked against you and no matter what you do...the outcome is never good! Well, this has been my week! After the stroke of midnight on my birthday, the world spiraled and hit the core. Maybe I an in sync with mother nature and natural disasters. Because the next morning when I could open my eyes, I heard the devastating news of the earthquake that rocked Haiti. Life's events have a way of clustering! If I look back on the last 5 years of my life, for every good thing a cluster of bad swarms me! It just doesn't seem fair and yet I hate saying that phrase because as bad as I think I have it...others are way worse off. But for this blog, its going to be about my feelings at this moment!

The night of my birthday I set out to party with my favorite DJ and some friends. And the night was a actual birthday was amazing and filled with friends and even though some didn't show, I intended on having fun anyway. Midnight hit and within an hour and a half of my actual birthday being over, shit got ugly! My purse was stolen and everything I owned was in it. My camera, which had pics from that night and pics of my kids. My wallet with my drivers license, my two bank cards and God knows what else. My two cell phones! Lots of cash, some which was not even mine! And minute stuff. I went nuts! Searching and searching! Then my head started to spin and the alcohol from that night started to pound through my body! Never have I felt so unleveled at one moments time! I gathered my senses and pick up the pieces and headed home! I couldn't even fathom that someone could be so cruel! If you wanted my money and my phones, take them but leave my damn license and important documents! Oh well, so I have spent the last two days, running around getting my cards inactivated, my phones restricted, my license renewed and replaced...and money lost! But the one thing I was looking forward to was tonight! I planned a Girls Night with the kick off at my Adult Toy Party. I've been plannig this for over a month and people telling me they are coming, until tiday when i started to confirm. People telling me, I don't know if I can or I'll meet up with you after....and my heart sank. I became angry, upset, let down, overwhelmed! Why? Because I am the type of person who doesn't let people down, or I try really hard not to. I run around doing people favors, and taking my "ME" time and giving it to others. You need me, I'm there! Now, I just start to feel used and abused by the people who are supposed to always be there for me.

A friend told me recently, "just give up on 2010, its a bust for you" and though I felt the same way about it, my heart told me keep the faith! I am just tired of hoping and praying that things will change, that they will be better! i have tried my best and yet it all still seems wrong. I've been good to me, I have finally made waves in not being or worrying about being with my (ex)husband. I have moved past him and taken an active role in my hearts desires. But that too sometimes seems foolish. It seems like, when I love, I have bad timing. And when I try to let it just find me, I find myself downsizing and critiquing. Is that wrong? Is it wrong for me to want what I want and accept nothing less?

I contemplate so many thoughts at once, that this blog may seem all over the place today, but that is how I am feeling! I was just thinking about the tattoo on my read,"Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow", damn, though I truly believe in its meaning, this last week has made me challenge that.

So, I'm going to hope that this weekend turns out to be all that I had hoped it be! Please don't let me down!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Want Vs. Can't

Want vs Can't....
How often do we say, " I want this but I can't because...."? Why do we rationalize our wants with things that we know we have complete control over? But isn't it funny how we pick and chose what is a can or can't?! Like cheating, you chose to do that but why? How do you rationalize your decision to have an affair whether it be physical or emotional? Do we look at the life we have been living and say what if? Or can I still get someone else? What makes us chose what we chose?

So many times we limit ourselves with the word can't and its time we stop saying can't and start saying I can try. No one is asking for the whole things all at once but damnit, make an effort! I have chosen to make an effort in my life recently and chose to take risks with my happiness, with my heart. I finally reached the point where I wanted to hit the "erase" button...say it with me, "Erase, Erase, Erase!!" Ahhhh, if only that made everything go away right?! Haha! But even if I could just hit an erase button, I wouldn't want to erase everything because though I have been hurt, embarrassed, vindicated against....those are the things that changed me and made me stronger. Those are the things that brought new love into my life. Those are the things that have made me a better mother to my children. I have gained infinite wisdom from my past and look forward to applying it to my present and future.

I have wants and though they may not be necessary things, they are all mine! I deserve to have and attain my wants. I am putting it all out there and going "ALL IN"....will you?

Monday, January 4, 2010



–verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

This is a word that we all think about when faced with betrayal or an act that seems oh so wrong. But can we really do it? Can we find it in ourselves to gather the strength to say these few words: "Can you forgive me?" All to often we find ourselves saying I'm sorry. But do they mean the same thing? NO! I once read this article that spoke about the difference between saying, "I'm Sorry" and "Forgive Me". The article said that when using the phrase "I'm Sorry" we are not truly asking for forgiveness. Saying I'm sorry means you do not have the ability to give up control and truly giving the other person the chance to make that decision. When we say "Forgive Me", we are allowing the other person to have the control and then therefore making it THEIR decision on whether the act you committed is worth their forgiveness. OK, so where am I going with this, right?

In the last few years of my life I have fought with the idea of forgiveness and the need for forgiveness from others. I burned bridges when I chose to try to save my marriage for a man who didn't deserve me. People talked and I pretended to truly listen. I put myself and my cheating husband ahead of the people who were just trying to be there for me and help me find my way. I also gave up, twice, on a man who deserved for me to give him my whole heart, yet I cheated him and only gave him part! I let myself believe that I was making the right choice in fighting for my marriage. But was I really? I fought with another woman over a man whom didn't deserve my fight. I let go of my real possibility at finding true happiness with someone else...for what?! To be here, years later, pounding myself on the head and wondering what if? What if I had chosen him? What if I'd just let my husband be without my interference? WHAT IF?

No more what ifs for me! Now, its how do I forgive and what can I do to be forgiven? Can I truly forgive my husband for what he did? Can I truly forgive the woman who stood between my family and cause my children to hurt? Can I be forgiven by the one man who truly showed he could put me first? Can that forgiveness translate into a new beginning? No its more of a ... Can it?

For over a year I have lived alone with my children. Consumed still by the life I had and what got me to where I am today. And today, today I find myself loving my husband but not needing him or wanting him. I believe I will always love him, he was my world for most of my life. But I want a new world, a new life! I want to give my love and receive the same in return from someone who deserves it. Now the only true question in my head is, "Can he FORGIVE me?". Can I forgive me for what I did to him?

Life is like a baseball at bat. You step up to the plate, get in the zone, question what pitch is coming. You get three strikes, foul balls, the opportunity to walk, the opportunity to hit, or ground out, or strike out....but at the end of that at bat, you have a concrete stat. I have stepped up to the plate and found myself with many foul balls, a couple of balls, and definitely two strikes against me! I am struggling with my last swing because though I may strike out, I refuse to step out the box! I refuse to go down looking! I am in it for the HIT! I want to reach that base! I want the opportunity to get another at bat! But then I realize whose pitching...whose fielding...whose calling the plays...IT'S ME! The only people who are not me are the Umpires! First Base, Second Base, Third Base, and Home's HIM...though I am at bat, though I am calling the plays, I pitching the ball and fielding the game...he has the ultimate call to make. I give him that power because I am asking...."Forgive Me".

Sunday, January 3, 2010

A Decade In Review

2000 - 2009 , ten years in my life and geez so much took place. In no real order, here is a list of the good, the bad, the ugly and the unfinished....

1. Graduated College in 2001 with a BS in Health Sciences and a Concentration In Athletic Training. All the while, playing Collegiate Division 1 Volleyball, working full time, having my son in 1997 and being a full time mom and juggling my relationship.

2. Getting engaged.

3. Getting married in 2003.

4. Accepting a position as Head Volleyball Coach at the Collegiate Division 1 Level.

5. Having my second son in 2005.

6. Turned 21, 25, and 30 all in one decade!

7. Learned my husband was having an affair with a former co-worker!

8. Separated from my husband (whom I had been with since I was 15).

9. Took my husband back, spoke to the other woman and still later found myself in the same situation.

10. Met someone new, whom I left when my husband came running back.

11. Moved three times.

12. Threw him out again because once again, she was back in our lives!

13. Tried to rekindle a romance with someone to be ruined again by my husband! Ugh!

14. Let him back in my house, while he still carried on his affair.

15. Took care of him when he needed major surgery and in the process became pregnant with baby boy #3.

16. Asked him to leave after nursing him to health to have him run back to her when he could.

17. Reconnected with long lost friends.

18. Found myself torn with the secret of the impending addition to my family, while he lived with the other woman.

19. My middle child being limp in my arms at 400am after having a Feveral Seizure while I was 8 months pregnant and alone!

20. Giving birth to my third son in 2009.

21. Losing a friend to murder-suicide in 2009.

22. Making major emotional changes for mine and my childrens benefit.

23. My husbands grandma passed....boy did that hurt...still hurts two years later. RIP Nanny.

24. The death of my husbands uncle, so quickly and abruptly. RIP.

God, the list could continue on and on but in the end the decade is done and I have few regrets. It has made me into the woman I am today. Though I struggle, I find myself stronger now than I was when my world started to crumble. I always thought that I would be married and never divorced! And though I am still not divorced, I am a single mom of three beautiful boys and I wouldn't trade that for anything. My sons love their dad and cherish each moment they get to have with him. I cherish every second of my life and live each day as they come.

So, maybe the last decade was all the good and bad that one should endure, maybe its not. But what I do know is its a new decade, a new year, and new possibilities and I'm glad to share the ride with you!