Monday, January 4, 2010



–verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

This is a word that we all think about when faced with betrayal or an act that seems oh so wrong. But can we really do it? Can we find it in ourselves to gather the strength to say these few words: "Can you forgive me?" All to often we find ourselves saying I'm sorry. But do they mean the same thing? NO! I once read this article that spoke about the difference between saying, "I'm Sorry" and "Forgive Me". The article said that when using the phrase "I'm Sorry" we are not truly asking for forgiveness. Saying I'm sorry means you do not have the ability to give up control and truly giving the other person the chance to make that decision. When we say "Forgive Me", we are allowing the other person to have the control and then therefore making it THEIR decision on whether the act you committed is worth their forgiveness. OK, so where am I going with this, right?

In the last few years of my life I have fought with the idea of forgiveness and the need for forgiveness from others. I burned bridges when I chose to try to save my marriage for a man who didn't deserve me. People talked and I pretended to truly listen. I put myself and my cheating husband ahead of the people who were just trying to be there for me and help me find my way. I also gave up, twice, on a man who deserved for me to give him my whole heart, yet I cheated him and only gave him part! I let myself believe that I was making the right choice in fighting for my marriage. But was I really? I fought with another woman over a man whom didn't deserve my fight. I let go of my real possibility at finding true happiness with someone else...for what?! To be here, years later, pounding myself on the head and wondering what if? What if I had chosen him? What if I'd just let my husband be without my interference? WHAT IF?

No more what ifs for me! Now, its how do I forgive and what can I do to be forgiven? Can I truly forgive my husband for what he did? Can I truly forgive the woman who stood between my family and cause my children to hurt? Can I be forgiven by the one man who truly showed he could put me first? Can that forgiveness translate into a new beginning? No its more of a ... Can it?

For over a year I have lived alone with my children. Consumed still by the life I had and what got me to where I am today. And today, today I find myself loving my husband but not needing him or wanting him. I believe I will always love him, he was my world for most of my life. But I want a new world, a new life! I want to give my love and receive the same in return from someone who deserves it. Now the only true question in my head is, "Can he FORGIVE me?". Can I forgive me for what I did to him?

Life is like a baseball at bat. You step up to the plate, get in the zone, question what pitch is coming. You get three strikes, foul balls, the opportunity to walk, the opportunity to hit, or ground out, or strike out....but at the end of that at bat, you have a concrete stat. I have stepped up to the plate and found myself with many foul balls, a couple of balls, and definitely two strikes against me! I am struggling with my last swing because though I may strike out, I refuse to step out the box! I refuse to go down looking! I am in it for the HIT! I want to reach that base! I want the opportunity to get another at bat! But then I realize whose pitching...whose fielding...whose calling the plays...IT'S ME! The only people who are not me are the Umpires! First Base, Second Base, Third Base, and Home's HIM...though I am at bat, though I am calling the plays, I pitching the ball and fielding the game...he has the ultimate call to make. I give him that power because I am asking...."Forgive Me".

No comments:

Post a Comment