Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Music...what song is your new fave?


Just wanted to share! Leave me one of your new faves!

My world today....Exhausting! Changing!

OMG...I can't wait for this part to be over already! I have been at this house all day and feel like I haven't even put a dent in it! I am so exhausted but I know I have to push through it! I have a goal and I will do it!

I thought I'd have trouble choosing what stays and what goes but I can happily say...I want it all gone, except the bare necessities!

Ever feel like you need to start again with everything new? Like though you are tired and overally exhausted, you push yourself because you know something great will come of it! Well, that's me today. I've been at this house for 10 hours! WOW! Crazy me! But it will be done with time to spare and on the big day...I will feel relaxed and ready..rather than overwhelmed and crazed!

I finally believe that change is good! And its my turn...

Monday, July 26, 2010

DVR Madness

I have a collection of shows that I DVR and watch when my kids are asleep. Last night, I sat to watch two of my fave Sunday shows, one being, "Drop Dead Diva" and "My Fair Weddings by David Tutera".

Drop Dead Diva

My Fair Weddings by David Tutera

Both these shows last night, hit an emotional cord in me.

But My Fair Weddings....OMG>>>>Balling!!! This bride was so super appreciative of what David was doing for her and how he incorporated the memory of her father into the wedding...priceless! I was up crying like a baby. I love David Tutera and if I did the marriage thing again, I'd be knocking on his door! He is just simply amazing and not to mention...a hot gay guy!! LOVE HIM!!!

Do you watch shows like this? I mean I have some for just about each day of the week, depending on the time of year!
Here's a List:
  1. Monday - The Secret Life of an American Teenager
  2. Monday - One Tree Hill
  3. Monday - Gossip Girl
  4. Monday - Life Unexpected
  5. Tuesday - Make it or Break It
  6. Tuesday - Pretty Little Liars
  7. Tuesday - 90210
  8. Tuesday - Glee
  9. Wednesday - Hell's Kitchen
  10. Wednesday - Top Chef
  11. Wednesday - America's Next Top Model
  12. Thursday - Grey's Anatomy
  13. Thursday - Private Practice
  14. Thursday - Vampire Diaries
  15. Thursday - Project Runway
  16. Friday - I don't watch tv on Friday Nights LOL
  17. Saturday - Same here, no actual TV shows
  18. Sunday - Drop Dead Diva
  19. Sunday - My Fair Weddings by David Tutera
And on constant DVR, episodes of Law & Order SVU.

What's on your DVR? Do you have shows you must watch?

Friday, July 23, 2010

Letter to God

Dear God,
Though I know at times it seems like I've cursed you and shunned you, for those times I ask your forgiveness. What I didn't understand then was how much bigger plans you had in store for me! I just wanted to say Thank you! Thank you for allowing me to get through it all and come out happier! Thank you for my children, they continue to be my inspiration and life line. Thank you for the love you have allowed to grace my life, even in heartache, I understand your purpose. 

I know I ask alot of you and though you cannot answer all my prayers, thank you for the ones you have answered. I am more than appreciative! 

It has taken me a lifetime to figure out your purpose in my life's journey and I am excited to see what is yet to come. I have found a place to leave my sorrows in and move on to a new beginning. Though I know there will be times that yet again I question your intentions, know that I am still growing and learning. That I will still make mistakes but that I know am more aware of my goals. I am more focused! 

Thank you!


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Life's Journey and Poof...You were there!

In my quest to get past my broken marriage, I took a chance on love a couple years ago. I can say that with all that I had been through and family believing that my depression was so bad they feared what I would do...I found happiness in myself and someone new. I gambled with my heart and though for reasons I'd rather not go into, we only remain friends. I can recall one night, chatting online with this guy, talking about his new love interest back then and talking about what went wrong with us. He decided to share some music he loves with me...oh and did I cry my eyes out!

One by one, tears after tears, the reality set in. I started to think about what the music really meant.

This song, so beautiful, yet so final! Can you imagine someone whom you cared about but are not with sharing this song with you? How would you react? I can tell you all I heard was...GOODBYE...and for that instance, I read between the lines and realized...he and I would never be. And though I  knew that to be true, you always hold on to a little hope. Hope that life's circumstances would change, that maybe just maybe, I could have been stronger at the time and chose for myself what was best. Don't get me wrong, my (ex) husband will always be the love of my life and if we could work past our problems, I would try. But this guy, he was there, kinda holding on to me, but at a distance.

He also introduced me to another song that night. And that song was not for him to me, but I think it was meant for me to give to him.

Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen differently. This song is just about that! You can't take back the past and what you did but you can ask for forgiveness. And though the outcome may only be friendship, for me its better than not having him at all. I think part of me will always love him. But I think most people hold a little piece if love for people who impacted them. He was the one who was there when I was at rock bottom and made me feel special, beautiful, today, He should know, I am sorry!

But for what its worth,
I have learned alot from him. And this medley is like my Journey...


So, my life's journey has been hard but worth the ride...Thank you to those people in my life, you know who you are, you keep me from keep me Believing!

Writer's Workshop: Wedding Song

I Cross My Heart

In 1994, I embarked on a journey that would bring me to where I am today and I took that journey with the man I was going to marry and have children with. Sometime during our relationship, he had me sit down with him and watch a portion of a movie...he wanted me to hear this great song! Little did I know what was going to heard was the song that almost ten years later would be our wedding song. When discussing what we wanted as our song, we struggled a little bit because that same year another song touched us. That song was:

Flying Without Wings

So, instead of deciding between the two...we decided we'd have two special wedding songs.

Though our marriage is broken, these songs will forever embody who we were and how in love we really were. To this day, even with all the hurt and pain, the emotion and memories of great times and much love floods my heart and mind! Making even the worst, feel a little better.

I can only hope that most people can feel the same way about their wedding song(s), even through separation and/or divorce. because remember at that one moment in your life, that song was all about your love.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Smiling the Day Away!

So many changes are upon me...and I need to smile about them because anything less than happy is not for me! i have spent so much time contemplating what happiness is for me. Is it my kids? Is it my heart? Is it a place? Is it a thing? What oh what is my happiness? And the answer is simple....Happiness is what i make of it! Happiness is smiling the day away no matter the drama! Kill 'em with kindness is the saying and for once I am taking that advice.
In the past week, I have encountered many a different scenarios and feelings! Not too mention MIGRAINES from my stress! And medication can only go so far as to take the physical pain away. Talking to some good friends have helped me in making decisions. Though I haven't taken them all on full steam ahead, the reality of those choices is making head way.
  • I decided to reapply to the one job that made me happy and provided more than enough for my family! Now, I just have to hope they call! I'm praying they call! It would make certain things sooooo much easier! 
  • My five year old is getting ready to start Kindergarten and I need to prepare him for that and myself for that! Its amazing how time flys.
  • Fresh starts! New Beginnings! That's what my smile is going to be about! No more waiting for things to happen. I'm taking the bull by the horns and kicking some serious drama butt! lol!
My life is my own! Only I can make change! I will smile brightly and in the face of all adversity! And I will prevail victorious! This SuperMom will make it!


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Clean Sweep!

I am on a mission this week! I am doing just like the show on TLC....Keeping what I need, Trashing what is no good, and selling what I don't need! But finding the motivation to get it done, well, that's a whole other ball game! Every night, after the boys go to bed, I struggle deciding if I want to spend countless, sleepless hours sorting through all the garbage.

This more procrastinating! I am going to do it! Out with the old! This week, my son (12) and I are going to take a day to go through his and his brothers things. This should be easy, they have a closet full of things they haven't even looked at since we moved here over two years ago! Then on to the clothes, which I did a couple months ago but some how their draws are full of clothes  they don't wear and their floor and hamper is consumed by the ones they do wear...go figure!

Then, its the storage room. A room that harbors all the stuff I used for my business endeavors, where my main computer resides, and things that I just plain really need to get rid of! I have two other closets after that...and those are just going to be emptied out and most things tossed. I mean how many jackets does one really need!

Who knows what room I will hit after that but somewhere in the process...YARD SALE!!! Hey, the saying is, "One man's garbage, is another man's treasure" and so I will sell, sell, sell!

Look out for the sale post!

Challenges of A Single Mom

  1. Juggling my kids social lives. They have more events and friends than I do.
  2. Having a personal that? lol
  3. Cleaning the house, when in 30 seconds flat its destroyed!
  4. Cooking at a reasonable time.
  5. Finding a way to make ends meet....there never seems to be enough for everything!
  6. Keeping my cool when all I want to do is scream!
  7. Getting all the kids to bed without the song and dance acts they decide to perform.
  8. Taking a shower! Enough said!
  9. Socializing with someone other than a 1 yr old...anyone need a grown up friend?
  10. Loving yourself enough to know, if you're not happy, neither will your kids be!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Then....Computers, Information, Disaster....Now...Empowerment!

For so long I have used my computer skills to gain information when needed, not only for myself but for my friends. When do you feel the need to search and look for what we already know to be true? When I found out about my husbands discretions, I went to work! I needed to know everything! I knew that he would lie because he had been doing it for so long it became second nature and I wasn't going to let him back in my house without knowing everything. So, I searched and I found. I made sure that I would never be in the dark again. I would never put my blinders on again and give him the trust that he so didn't deserve. But when we look, we find things that we never meant to find or wanted to know. I know in my case I would find pictures and stories about things he was doing with the other woman. And all it would do was infuriate me more and make me want to find ways to punish him for them. ANd what better way to do that but than to make it known that I knew and waited for him to lie again, causing him to be aggrivated and huff and puff. I mean why should I be the only one pissed and hurt, right? Wrong! It was a poor decision on my part because I was hurting myself more when I hurt him. Because despite everything he had done, I had still loved him and wanted to make things work. Then there was the whole sharing thing, I didn't want to share "my man" and that's what I was doing. I would have nightmares about him being with me and then being with her and then coming back to my bed at night! It was getting out of hand in my mind! I needed to seek help to let go. It took my two years to realize that I couldn't get passed it all on my own. Family and friends couldn't help me because they were to emotionally invested. I was in therapy for months but the reality was I wasn't ready and so whatever I was being told was going in one ear and out the other. For years, I needed the security of information. But was it really security? How secure can it have been when I was looking for the next wrong move he made or the next vindictive move she'd make. I was a glutton for punishment. And yet when the opportunity arose to be with him, I took it. I rationalized it with, if I do it with him its ok, he is still my husband and I don't have to look for it from someone else. I took sex or making love, very seriously. I still do. That intimate moment is something I don't want to share with just anyone. The vulnerability to be seen naked and not judged, the intimacy, the allowing your inhibitions to be let go...those things take great strength to look past. And though the flaws of my body are major to me, they seem to be miniscule to the eye of a man. Yet, I still find myself holding out for that special someone. In a way, its a great feeling because it reinstates that I still have morals and values. That I can look at my kids and feel like I am doing this the right way. I don't want my children to grow up and live this life or cause this life for the women they love! I continue to remind them that marriage is saced and that they should cherish the women in their lives. They have witnessed my pain firsthand, though I try to cry in private, my kids know my pain. I sit with them and talk about love and being good men. If they fail at everything else in life, they will alwas be successful when they remember who they arer and what their mother taught them about family. They will succeed in their marriages and families. They will be the men that your daughters will fall in love with, marry and have families with. I promise to teach them, right from wrong. I promise to instill morals and values. This is a promise to my future daughters in law!