Ever After....

So many times we think we have to get through things alone or that no one else has gone through it. I think we do this to ourselves so that we don't face what's really in front of us. I did this for so long, that the fiction I created was reality to me. I lived in a world where if I only hoped, then it would happen. Though I still believe that one must hope for what they want. I now know that in order to get it, you have to go after it. You cannot let the past consume you, you have to embrace the mistakes and all that came with it and apply it to a better tomorrow. 

For so long I fought with myself over decisions I have made over the years. But I cannot regret them, I have to learn from them. I allowed someone to walk into my marriage, jumble stuff up and walk out with my husband. Leaving me to wither and turn into myself. I died that day, or so it seemed. Today, I walk with my head up, my heart bruised, my kids at my side, and the wind at my back. Though sometimes I find myself looking back, it is not in want for what was but in adoration of what was good back then. We all talk about what if we could go back, would we do it all the same or would we change things? This question is two fold for me, because though I would love to go back, I don't know how much I would change. I have three beautiful sons, I get to raise them into great men. What more could I ask for? Ok, ok, so I could ask for LOVE! TRUE LOVE!

My husband was to me my true love for most of my life but though he will hold the title of my first true love, I doubt he will hold the title of my last. I have not loved many men in my life, I have found myself in like often but not in love. I can recall, feeling in love three times. One was with the guy who I took my first experiences with, wow, I can still remember his face, his smile, just about everything about him. The other was my husband, I spent my teenage years and part of my adulthood with him and him alone. Then there was "him", though we were together for a short time and have made mistakes since, he is the one who seems to bear the window to my soul. Yet, here I am, home alone. Without him. Without anyone to love. 

So, are we better off growing up and growing alone? Is love really only meant for heartache? The fairytale child that still lingers in my soul says, love is eternal, it is life, it is everything. Find the one you want to grow with, not just grow old with. That person is truly your happily ever after.